Byston Well Monogatari: Garzey no Tsubasa


: 5

Overall 1
Story 1
Animation 3
Sound 1
Character 1
Enjoyment 1
"Heaven and Hell, all that's in between is a world called Byston Well."
That, and a metric shitton of fudgery that somehow got made into an anime.

Welcome to LawlMartz' shlockfest, episode iforgothowmany, where I watch garbage 80s and 90s OVAs, temporarily lose my sanity, and when they let me out of the asylum, I recount my experiences in review format- usually with destructive results.

Garzey's Wing is no exception. This is one of the most unequivocally, fundamentally awful anime with almost no peers, aside from Tomino's own creations. It wasn't even as hard to watch as Brain Damagd, but was just incomprehensibly and fundamentally bad on every level. One wonders how someone can even come up with such a ridiculously nonsensical story, and at no level, ever be challenged by anyone else involved with the production. *COUGH GEORGE LUCAS AND THE STAR WARS PREQUELS*

It's so bad in fact, that I don't think Yoshiyuki Tomino even realized just how terrible this show was. He's an old guy, maybe he was just off his meds that... decade... of the 90s where he produced nothing but absolute CRAP! He's a curious man, Tomino. He created Gundam, the first, and possibly the best Mecha series of all time. Certainly the most recognizable. A revolutionary in the sci fi genre (much like George Lucas) in the 70s and 80s... and then the 90s happened. Lucas began production on The Phantom Menace, aka, the movie that ruined everyone's childhood and disappointed their adulthoods, in 1997. In 1997 Tomino was finishing Garzey's Wing and starting Brain Powerd, which has the distinction of being the ABSOLUTE WORST ANIME OF ALL TIME. Move the fuck over, Idea Factory, here comes muthaphucckin Yoshiyuki Tomino and his parade of nonsensical alligator shit!

Are you seeing the parallels here? George Lucas blows us away with a visionary classic like Star Wars in the late 70s and 80s. Tomino blows us away with a genre setting classic Gundam in the late 70s and 80s. George Lucas creates a schlocksterpiece of unholy proportions in 1999, beginning a trilogy of heretofore unseen excrement to life, trying desperately to copy his own successes from 20 years prior, and while he makes so much money that he can wipe his ass with it, the product has not stood the test of time. In fact, you could say it's a product of George's ass. Not a piece of shit. A WHOLE SHIT.
Likewise, Tomino has ridden the coattails of his own success since Gundam fell off... and desperately tries to be "sew originul" with Garzey's Wing.

Let the brains oozing out of ears commence. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, because it's about to get really freaking weird.

I can only imagine that the script and screenplay for Garzey's Wing was written by a crack addict who was told to mash up Peter Pan, the story of the Jews' Exodus from Egypt, and Mark Twain's 1889 novel "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" into one completely incoherent, brain blended, meth smoking 3 episode mess. Only someone on a bender of galactic proportions could have thought to put something like this together, but I fear the truth of this may be much simpler, and that I'm reading far too much into it... there probably was no thought process. This is the result of a show being written by a tweaked out goldfish attempting a stream of consciousness narrative. It's pond scum.

Sound section: -∞

Selected quotes:

"Oh my GAWD I felt like I was having a dream! My body is aching, I'm bruised all over! It's because I had to fight NAKED!" - MC Chris

"If you taste it or smoke it, you get happy and do crazy things!" - Talking about this highly volatile explosive

"You failed the college entrance exam twice now!"
"It doesn't matter, I will come back after I attend the high school class reunion pool party tomorrow!"

"He is just a human. Humans are just human."

"I"m being chased by a real army! With dinosaurs using bows and arrows! And my sword is incredibly dull!" -MC Chris

"I must somehow make sense of our CONVOLUTED situation!" - MC Chris

The next assault on the viewer comes courtesy of Central Park Media. This is also CPM's finest right here. In that was truly freaking terrible. Stilted doesn't even begin to describe the level of contempt that regurgitates this anime from the bowels of the schlock monster into LEGENDARY status!
It's so damn bad that it gets to the point where you're hearing these ridiculous statements, each more preposterous than the last, and you eventually just become numb to it and don't even realize that it just gets worse. Every single line is like a non sequitur answering a non sequitur on top of a non sequitur.

The main character, MC Chris is like an idiot savant version of Peter Pan who gets abducted into 1400BC to become Warrior Jesus but while also being the Connecticut Yankee and killing a lot of dinosaurs, but at the same time he has to save the priestess and kill Gilgamesh but he can't because his sword is incredibly dull. Then he transports back in time to his high school class reunion pool party, but he passes out and goes into a coma and then back in 1200AD the dinosaurs step on some guys and he grows rainbow wings and stabs a thing and then throws rope bombs and gets high and sees fairies and then when he wakes up from his cocaine fueled rage, finds that he's killed a man, but thankfully he can teleport back to Japan and nothing happens except a lot of puke.

The moral of the story? Drugs are bad.
I really need some drugs after this. Drink the pain away... drink the pain away... drink the..

I'm offering clorox eyewashes behind walmart after this.
Trust me, you're going to need it
That, and buy my patented NaOCl (bleach) DeTox. Just one pint of this a day, and you'll be cured from all your anime woes. I've been doing it for about a year, and the results will shock you.

You'll probably start watching this kind of garbage too.

Verdict: Yoshiyuki Tomino and MC Chris are to be eaten by the War Beast Army Corps of the Great Baraju Tree of Wafuundu!

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